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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Another fucked up Spears carries on the tradition of a screwd up family

Jamie Lynn Spears, also known as Nickelodeon TV star and sister of Britney Spears, is pregnant. She's 16 years old and her boyfriend is 19.

It's been confirmed. Maybe no one else finds this interesting, but I'm kind of shocked(Should i?). She seemed so much different than Britney. I'm pretty sure, 16 is pretty young to have a family in America. But if she's from the Isles, well she's just another ASBO.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Top 10 Most Embarrassing Media Moments of 2007

Every year, the media usually brings out the worst in people. Well this year is no exception but it's by far the most embarrassing year for the media. Here's a review of ten embarrassing moments this year:

10. At number ten, The Malaysian Information Minister makes a shit out of himself during an interview with Al Jazeera over the recent political rally in Kuala Lumpur.

9. At number nine, fat Jade Goody shames the whole of Britain by poking racist slurs at Indian actress Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother:

8.At number eight, it's MC Karl Rove acting like a total prick.

7.At number seven Jamie "All-Schoolkids-must-eat-healthy-food" Oliver shows off his complete hypocrisy:

6.At number six it's Ellen DeGeneres cries over a missing adopted dog. Boo Hoo!

5.At number five it's Chris Crocker telling everyone to LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!.....As if we will!

4.At number four, President Bush mistakens APEC for OPEC:

3.At number three Fox News warns of a serial killer on Spring Break, while showing footage that encourages serial killers rather than stopping them:

2.At number two, Miss Teen South Carolina USA thinks we should send aid to South Africa and the Iraq so that Americans can see their country on a world map!

And the no.1 most embarrassing moment is

1.At number one, Britney Spears dancing at the 2007 VMAs like an old lady trying to climb the stairs:

So there you go. Ten most embarrassing moments in the media. Now you may wonder why it's the American media that's mostly on the list, because America is an attention-seeking country and American media is always known for embarrassing itself as if they're Justin Lee Collins therefore it's fair enough to have 80% purely American list on this blog.

Am i the only one who hates Ellen DeGeneres?!

I mean, there's something sucks about Ellen. She's not funny, she's annoying, she kept dancing in her talk show to crap mainstream music(Why would she dance to Soulja Boy?), and everybody loves her. What's wrong with today's society. Whenever i look at her, i want to punch her face and make her nose bleed. And she's a hyperactive bitch. Hyperactive people do not make good comedians. Good comedians are cool, steady people. People like Lewis Black, Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, Bill Bailey and Dylan Moran. Ellen is not one of them.

Whenever i look for the funny stuff on TV, i always look for something intelligent, like The Mighty Boosh, Seinfeld, Arrested Development and Father Ted. But the more i look at Ellen, the more i see hate raging through her eyes.And i see the viewers as sad lonely souls who would like to get stoned to death by radical Muslims. I hate Ellen DeGeneres, and i'm proud of it.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Why Video Games movies suck:

Last month, i had a "Video Game movie night" with my friends. We watch films like Super Mario Brothers, Double Dragon and Resident Evil and we have to endure the torture of watching these films, but thank god we smoke pot in order to enjoy them. After watching the films, as well as commentaries, interviews, reviews and making of documentaries, i've finally found 10 reasons why VG movies sucked:

1.40% of critics don't play video games, therefore they don't know it's based on a video game

I read critic reviews of games like Hitman, Resident Evil and Silent Hill. They hated the film because they never played the games therefore they don't understand what the fuck the movie is all about. However, they could have liked these movies more if they played these games. And if you think critics are pointless, then you're a cock who probably hates Citizen Kane or an Ingmar Bergman film.
2.scenes from VGs look more ridiculous in theaters.

Look, if you played video games like Double Dragon & Mortal Kombat, you can see the mindlessness of these games. They're like Michael Bay with a touch of Takashi Miike and Yusof Haslam. Which is why they can't be made into movies because it would suck more. However, Hong Kong movies seems to have fight scenes that are as silly as Double Dragon, but has awards and critical praises Double Dragon wishes having. Why? Because HK movies rely on the choreography of masterminds like Yuen Woo-Ping. Americans are too lazy to hire fight choreographers back in those days because most of them are close-minded cocks. Sure, QT and the Wachowskis hired Mr.Woo-Ping for films like Kill Bill and The Matrix, but in the cases of Andrej Bartokwiak and Paul W.S. Anderson, there's no need hire choreographers from HK. Why? Because if you can use cheap CGI, why bother?

3.No artistic merit & not taken seriously

Look at Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. For a VG movie, you can how beautiful the environment, the characters and the action is. I mean, the fight between Sephiroth and Cloud was probably the best to come out of Japan since a Kurosawa film. This is probably the only moment where a VG movie is better than a the video game movies itself, and since it's a CGI movie it's also better than to say, Beowulf. Why? Because it's made in Japan,and it was taken seriously in Japan. Unlike in America, where the majority would think video games are made for nerds, geeks and stupid people, video games are revered in Japan from the cute & cuddly youth to the respected aging old people, which is why they gave birth to games like Metal Gear Solid, Loco Roco, Rez and Ico. Unless Hollywood & the Western world stop generalising the market audience for video games and start taking it seriously, video game movies will never be good.

4.Lack of involvement from Video Game developers

The reason why video game movies were never good because most developers were not involved with the movie adaptations of their games! It could possibly happen because either they were busy, unavailable, do not care or refused to work on the movie because maybe the people involved in the movie industry were dicks. I mean, you can't make a MGS movie without Hideo Kojima(above). And also, the people in Hollywood are either rude, evil or stupid which is why most developers do not want to be associated with adaptations of their games. Therefore you must work closely with video game developers, and if you're going to produce or direct a video game movie and you're getting involvement from the video game developers, try and respect them and their source material. Do not piss them off, especially if they're Japanese because Japan hates being pissed off and rude.

5.It's more fun to play than watch

Look, people play Resident Evil just to shoot at zombies, not to listen to its cheesy dialogue. And people play Street Fighter just to see Chun Li's ass and kick butt. It's not made to care about the plot. Therefore, why bother watch it if you can just play it?

6.Producers, directors, and VG companies only want the money.

In Hollywood, they think that the only people who play video games are geeks, and the only way to appeal to a mass audience is to make into a movie out of it. Therefore, they make video game movies by ignoring their main fanbase(the geeks) and attracting the stupid wide audience, because a wide audience is bigger than a cult geek audience, therefore there's 99% percent chance it'd make money. In the case of video game movies, people don't care if the casting is right, or if the director won a Razzie as long as it will certainly makes money. It's a sad reality, but it's true.

7.Lack of respect for the source material

Source material is important in adapting into a movie. A James Bond film without James Bond is like an atom bomb without the atoms. It just makes you more pissed off and angrier at the people behind such monstrosity. This is a case of video games. I mean, look at Resident Evil. They added a character called Alice which has no relations to the original whatsoever. And the second Resident Evil movie is basically a mixture of RE2 and RE3. However, it doesn't have Chris fucking Redfield in the 2nd movie, and he was the best thing about Resident Evil 2! And in the recent third Resident Evil movie it was a post-apocalyptic film! I mean, rather than having the world saved and Leon Kennedy sent to Spain to fight Ganados, you have a screwed up world where it's controlled by zombies! And the zombies were slow! I mean, we now believed that slow zombies is easier to be contained since fast zombies are way apocalyptic than slow zombies who can have the infection stopped in one place by a nuke(As pointed by Resident Evil 2). It just pisses me off when a movie lacks the respect of source material. It just shows how Hollywood has brought shame to it's Japanese counterparts.

8.When a professional does a vg film, it fails

When i mean by 'fail', is how eventhough the greatest minds in filmaking still fails to produce the perfect script for a video game movie. I've read both Romero's Resident Evil script and Roger Avary's Silent Hill script. To be honest, it wasn't that good, and Avary's script for Silent Hill was tame. I mean, both scripts are respectful of the source material, but both lacks the awesomeness of their writing. I mean, Avary's SH script is nowhere perfect as his Pulp Fiction script which was co-written with Tarantino, and Romero's script on RE lacks the awesomeness of his previous works like Dawn of the Dead and Creepshow.

9.Plots resemble MST3K films

MST3K is a show where a guy and his two robot pals are trapped in space and are forced to watch bad movies. You can watch every episode on YouTube, and you can see how films like Double Dragon and Mortal Kombat resembles MST3K movies like Prince of Space(above) and Santa Clause Conquers the Martians.

10.Directors like Uwe Boll and Paul WS Anderson don't have the imagination of James Cameron, Stephen King, George Lucas, Quentin Tarantino, Steven Spielberg, Ridley Scott and Rod Serling and had to find stupid, uncreative ways to make a VG movie

Look at Spielberg, Lucas and Serling. What do they have that Paul WS Anderon and Uwe Boll doesn't have? Imagination. I mean, when Spielberg did Saving Private Ryan, he had to imagine how the D-Day invasion looks like through the eyes of the American WWII veterans. It's bloody, violent and filled with bullets exactly how the WWII veterans saw. And back in the 70's Lucas wanted to make his own version of The Hidden Fortress, but he felt it was too early to do one in a very American way. Therefore, he feels like doing one with a space setting while the plot remains the same. It's imagination. If you try to adapt a material into a movie, you must imagine how the movie would look like. And the same case stays in video games too. If you're planning to adapt MGS into a film, you must imagine how the movie would look like. How would Snake interact with characters like Naomi and the Colonel through radio? Will it be split-screen, or will it show the frequency numbers as well as the character's faces? That's the main factor of adapting a source material: imagination. But in the case of Uwe Boll(above), who the fuck adds clips of the House of the Dead gameplay into the adaptation, and what's with the fucking slow-mo?! No creativity or imagination whatsoever.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Look, if you're the Information Minister and you can't speak proper media English, then you shouldn't be an information minister in the first place!

I'm aligned with the ruling Barisan Nasional. I've always been. After all, they're a coalition started by the late Tunku Abdul Rahman, and i'm a fan of Tunku because he freed us from colonial rule. And eventhough the government is now a complete utter shite, i'd never align myself with the the opposition. Why? Because the opposition is filled with hypocrites, and just look at these two photos and compare them:

Look, they're both the same. Okay, so may be Anwar is not bald, but shave his head and what you get is a fuckwit determined to conquer the galaxy! So who in the fucking mind would vote for this prick?

But seriously lah, remove the opposition bashing aside. The recent Bersih and HINDRAF rallies have tarnished the country's reputation as a "Truly Asia" territory. It gives a conscience that people finally realise what the fuck is wrong with this country. It makes me want to have Mahathir back. I miss Mahathir. He was like my grandfather, a strong old man willing to break the odds. It was a sad day for all Malaysians when he left the office. I almost cried like an Akademi Fantasia student who was mocked by Aznil Nawawi for being a shite.

Ever since Pak Lah took over, there was something wrong with him. I mean, it was as if he was stoned on acid when he announced his cabinet ministers in 2004, just straight after election. I mean, why is Samy Vellu still the fucking Works Minister? He has been one ever since the fall of the Roman Empire.

But what's worse is the Information Minister Datuk Zainuddin Maidin. To describe his shittyness, watch this YouTube video where he is interviewed in Al Jazeera about the BERSIH rally in KL few weeks ago:

Who the fuck speaks English like that? It's like having Anna Nicole Smith as the UN Secretary General. If you're the fucking Information Minister, then you should be learning BBC English (aka Received Pronounciation English) in order to speak in an interview. Atleast Khairy Jamaluddin speaks with RP English. With a job like an Information Minister, you must speak in a perfect, ol' jolly BBC English during an interview. If not, why bother becoming a Information Minister if you speak English like an old Kelantanese man in a Noel Coward play? I'm a strong advocate of Bahasa Rojak, but sometimes we need to drop the silly Malaysianness in order to not sound like a complete prick, especially in an Al Jazeera interview.

Great men like Za'Ba, Shakespeare, Bergman & Rumi all believes that language must be beautiful. It must be written beautiful, it must sound beautiful, and it must be said beautiful. However, today's languages are bombarded with bad spelling and bad pronounciation. In Britain, nobody talks like an intellectual anymore and they all talk with rubbish Cockney slang which sounds as if you mixed Danny Dyer with Katie Price's boobs, while in America English is now ridden with white-trash, hip hop slang and politically correct nouns which blew the government's brains out.

And now, it has reach Malaysia where MPs are talking in parliament like 5 year olds in a kindergarten fighting over a small toy. It's got nothing to do with bahasa rojak (since bahasa rojak came 500 years ago when Portugese influence altered the Malay language), but it's got to do with ourselves, since we elected 50-something pricks into office without any clear agenda or purpose. We just elected them without looking any further into their political history, and therefore we're stuck with them for 5 years. And one of these people is Datuk Zam himself

It's no wonder why RTM fails to live up to its standards. If the BBC, CBC and ABC has shows with lower budget than RTM, then why does RTM still suck? Well, it's not the cost of the money, but it's controlled by a jerk who speaks English like a kampung boy. Unless if we fired Zam from the office, we'd never have a TV channel with high-quality programming.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Review: Idiocracy

In Children of Men, Michael Caine's character Japer asks "Why are we infertile?" If he was in Idiocracy, he would have been the third smartest person in the movie after Maya Rudolph and Luke Wilson, and he'd probably ask "Why are we stupid?" In Mike Judge's Idiocracy, Judge takes a look at society today and it's effects on the future. In the 21st century, we seemed to have known that stupid people gave birth to more children than smart ones. And the smart & intelligent people are too stupid to make babies, since they're worry some idiots. And the result, more stupidity, less intelligence.

In 2005, the US army wanted to reserve it's lower, more average servicemen so that they're fit for battle. And to prove that theory, they hired Joe Bauers(Owen Wilson), an average Joe US serviceman, and a prostitute named Rita(Maya Rudolph) to undergo an experiment. They'll be frozen for a year to prove that humans are able to be preserved without any damages. However, the US army officer in charge of the experiment was arrested for prostitution charges, and the two frozen humans are forgotten, making them frozen for not 1, but 500 years into the future.

Waking up 500 years later at the year 2505, Joe and Rita discover themselves in a dystopian hell. No, the future is not ruled by Big Brother. No, it's not even ruled by the communists. And no, the future is not being ruled by damn dirty apes either. The future, like i said above,is ruled by stupid people. Yes, stupid people. Not even the smartest person is available. Why? Like i said, smart & intelligent people are stupid when it comes to making babies. Therefore, the intelligent humans are extinct, causing the rest of humanity to devolve into a race of unintelligent corporate tools.

Upon discovering the future, they've found worse situations: The president of the USA is a former wrestler and porn star who is a black anti-Barack Obama, Justice has become ridiculously retarded, Costco is a city, Starbucks coffee offers sex while drinking, and no one wears suits nor tuxedo, And the English language has become nothing but valley, chav, hill billy and trash talk.

After taking an IQ test, Joe discovers that he's the smartest person in the world. And he was forced to repair the North Korean-like drought that has suffered the American people for years. It appears that America has gone too corporate that a Gatorade-like company named Brawndo has taken over the America's food industry, causing water to be replaced with Brawndo all over the land except in toilets. They even pour Brawndo on the crops, which caused the drought. And even the cabinet seems not to acknowledge such problems, since they're all stupid like the people, and they wear bling-bling chains which has the emblems of the US government.

This is a smart Orwellian film which also blends with Jackass-like humor and fart jokes that created the idiot atmosphere of the future. The cast is brilliant. Luke Wilson played a great job as the main character, and Maya Rudolph is a hottie in this film, and not to forget she played a convincing street-prostitute, although i do hate her unnatural African-American accent in this film. Dax Shepard was hilarious as Joes' future lawyer Frieto, while Terry Crews' portrayal of a lower-IQ-than-Bush president is possibly the best ever. And in a short came, Justin Long's scene as a doctor high on drugs was probably the best scene ever in the film.

This film never got any publicity, not even a trailer or a poster. Why? Because Rupert Murdoch's greedy 20th Century Fox film corporation felt uncomfortable advertising an anti-corporate film like Idiocracy, and therefore they bury this film under the shadows of limited screenings.

Still, this is a great comedy. In fact, if you're looking for the 40 Year Old Virgin of 2006, this is the one you're looking for. Funny, smart and a more hilarious version of Alfonso Cuaron's Children of Men. If George Orwell thought of the future as being ruled by idiots, this is how it would have looked like.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Kim Jong Il The Great........

YouTube. Call it, UTube, or YouTiup, or YouTiupKerja(Translate that to English and you'll know what i mean). This is by far the greatest website ever made. the last bastion of free speech. We should thank Google for not bastardising YouTube. I mean, seriously, Rupert Murdoch ruined MySpace, and IFilm has serious Flash Player problems ever since it was bought by Viacom(Which is whyb they pulled all of their videos from YouTUbe, since they're jealous of them).

Well, the only thing wrong with YouTube is that: They sometimes post videos containing propaganda and stupidity. Leave Numa Numa and Lonelygirl alone, were' talking about Songunblog. Yes Songunblog. But who's Songunblog? Well let me explain in a Malaysian sense:

Do you know all those propaganda music videos shown in RTM during the 90's? Well Songunblog is like that. Songunblog is a pro-North Korean propagator. His hatred for American "imperialists" and love for the paradise called "North Korea" has created a huge popularity and laughing stock amongst YouTubers. He frequently posts videos which were mostly NK propaganda documentaries showing how great "Comrade Genralissmo" kim Jong Il. Here are some videos which shows the propaganda of North Korea with the intelligence of a simian hog shit:

Kim Jong Il "The Great Diplomat". A documentary on Kim Jong Il and his skills of meeting people who hate America. Features flowers

Kim Jong Il "Fashion Designer". His fashion sense sure beats Giorgio Armani

Kim Jong Il "The Great Athlete". Hm, can he beat Kelly Holmes in a marathon?

Kim Jong Il "Master of the Arts". he sure loves Godzilla films

Kim Jong Il "The Great Dietician". Does Cognac count in the food chain?

Kim Jong Il "The Great Architect". Um yeah, you can't even finish a freaking hotel!

Kim Jong Il "The Great Traveller". Yup, especially, when your train passes through villages with starving children. Hey look, happy people!

Kim Jong Il "The Great Media Man". Please make it stop!

Kim Jong Il "The Great Warrior". he's Chuck Norris alright.

Way to go Pyongyang! You show these pigshit docus to your people while most of them are starving to death without realising it. It's no wonder your people worship you like morons. And here's the fact: None of your people knew that a man went to the moon! Come on! We're evolving like real humans and your people's progress and intelligence stops there like a bunch of John Lumic's Cybermen! Come on North Korea. Show some truth to your people. let them watch CNN. let them realize that there's people way greater than the Dear Leader himself. Ever heard of Churchill? Muhammad? Chuck Norris? Gandhi? Perhaps no. Please i'm begging you. Stop spewing shit into your people's minds, and stop teaching children that Kim Jong Il was born in Mt.Paektu with two rainbows in the sky.

And Songunblog, please. I know who you are.
You live in Sachsen, Germany. And your real name is kim Jong Seok. You're not North Korean, and stop thinking that North Korea is a paradise. There are places way better than North Korea, like Finland, Sweden, Britain, Ireland, and Malaysia(even though our government's politics is a joke). You're a fuckin' liar, and stop spreading cowardly lies!

PS: The North Korean government just send me a gift. They gave me a useless video on Roasted Potatoes:

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