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Monday, April 14, 2008

An idea for Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg's next movie


Over the past few years I've taken a lot of pot shots at Mr Seltzer and Mr Friedberg. But you know something, that's a classic case of "being a hater". Why should I begrudge their success?. Why should I be bothered by their annual "fleecing of suckers". So from now on, I want to help them. While waiting for the teacher to arrive here in the class, i have a new idea for their next movie. It's called Oscar Movie. They've stuck it to the rom-coms. They've nailed the blockbusters. They left 300 out to dry. Now it's time for them to tackle all those snooty films the Oscars tell us we should like and take those films down a peg or two. Within reason, of course. Asking the average Friedberg/Seltzer fan to process an Antonement reference or a Babel reference is asking too much. So is referencing any Oscar movie older that three years,

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Here is the plot. An undercover cop named Leonardo di Costigan has infiltrated the crime syndicate of corrupt oil tycoon, Daniel Day Plainview. His superior officers are Detective Charliesdad and Detective Markymark. Little do they know is that Daniel Day Plainview has his own rat in the police force named Detective Rat Damon (the voice over narration helpfully informs us that he is "that guy from Good Will Hunting").

The movie proper starts when Leonardo di Costigan gets a job and Daniel Day Plainview's corner drugstore. We are introduced to Plainview when he comes in and proceeds to drink everybody's milkshake. He takes somebody's milkshake, says "I...drink...your...milkshake", then he slurps it up and then say, "I drink it up!" Repeat this about five or six times. Then Leonardo di Costigan turns to the camera and says "we're really milking this gag". We then cut to a Tom Green lookalike in the drugstore. He is milking a cow. He turns toward's the Daniel Day Plainview character and says "Danny would you like some sausage? Danny would you like some sausage? Danny would you like some sausage?" (The twist of that joke is that the movie is spoofing Oscar movies, but we work in a Freddie Got Fingered reference. And that, Mr. Seltzer and Mr. Friedberg, is that classic comedy staple known as irony).

Plainview turns to the Tom Green clone and says "You're no son of mine. I have no idea how I met your mother". A clone of the cast of How I Met Your Mother enters the drugstore. The Neil Patrick Harris lookalike, wearing a button that says NPH on it to clearly identify him, blows Leonardo a kiss. This is a clever reference to the fact that Niel Patrick Harris is gay. Plainview turns to the Alyson Hannigan clone and asks, "weren't you in Date Movie." She responds, "this one time...in Date Movie..." Tom Green's cow leaps up and they have a Matrix style fight (a sharp reference to Kung Pow: Enter the Fist). The scene ends when Leonardo di Costigan and Daniel Day Plainview do a double take and they both ask each other "Weren't you in Gangs of New York?"

Later, Leonardo di Costigan learns that Plainview has sent out a hit man named Gayhaircut Chigger. You may want to have the narrator inform the audience that he is named that because his character has a gay haircut. It's a cerebral joke, I know, but you need to include something for everybody. Now insead of using a compressed air cattle gun, Chigger kills people by using a taser. And everytime he tasers somebody, they plead "don't tase me, bro". And as you know, this is what we refer to in the comedy business as a "running gag".

So Gayhaircut Chigger is out in the Texas wilderness trying to retrieve $2,000,000 worth of drug money stolen by Josh Wasbrandwalshinthegoonies. He runs into two gay cowboys named Jack Limpwrist and Ennis Del Gay. They love Gayhaircut Chigger's gay haircut and says a lot of gay things to him and tries to kiss him. Basically, in this ten minute scene, they act gay and they talk gay and gay gay gay gay gay gay gay. Jack Limpwrist tries to win Gayhaircut Chigger over by singing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls. Now this is a very subtle joke, so you need the narrator to explain to us that he is doing this because it's "just like Jake Gyllenhall did on Saturday Night Live". And just before Jack Limpwrist grabs Gayhaircut Chigger's butt, a six-foot rabbit appears and scares him away. Again, this is a subtle joke, so you need to give the rabbit a line of dialogue like "I am coming for you Donnie Darko".

This leaves Ennis Del Gay by hemself. But only for a moment because an Indian, a biker, a sailor and Detective Markymark in street cop uniform show up. They sing "YMCA". The song ends when we cut to a Philip Seymour Hoffman charcater dressed up like Capote and says "now this is what I call a party". It may help to have the narrator explain to your fans that he is the "gay author Truman Capote played by that fat redhead from all those Paul Thomas Anderson" movies. The narrator will then have to explain that Paul Thomas Anderson directed There Will Be Blood and that porno movie with Marky Mark". Then cut to Detective Markymark and we see that he has a huge bulge in his pants that runs the entire length of his leg. Carmen Electra shows up and blows in his ear. This gets no reaction from him. Ennis Del Gay blows him a kiss. Det Markymark's leg lifts up in the air as his penis tucked into his pants leg gets an erection.

Now Gayhaircut Chigger is despondent about being accused of being gay so he goes to get a haircut. He stops by the local barber shop which is run by a Johnny Depp lookalike named Weeny Toad. Now get this. The Weeny Toad character sings every line of dialogue. And his neighbor is a baker named Helena Bonham Timburtonswife who sings "he looks good enough to eat". Gayhaircut Chigger keeps pleading "stop singing. For the love of God, stop singing" So Weeny Toad and Helena Bonham Timburtonswife break out into rap instead and do the entire "Dick in a Box" number. Chigger flees from the Barbershop (but not before an Ice Cube clone tell him "next time, come to a real barbershop, yo") and runs into a Britney Spears lookalike making out with a Adnan Ghalib lookalike. He tases them both. Adnan says "don't tase me, bro" but Britney instead says "don't tase me, bro, y'all". Then RickRoll shows up and starts singing. He gets tased and he sings "don't tase me, bro". Then a Mel Gibson clone shows up and says "the Jews are responsible for all wars, Sugart!ts!" and after Chigger tases him, a hasidic Jew kicks him in the nards. And the hilarity doesnt stop there. Think of all the other people you can have him tase. It will be the "pit of death" sequence from Meet the Spartans times eleventy. Michael Vick (while "Who Let The Dogs Out" plays in the background), Andy Dick ("I'll put the Phil Hartman curse on you"), Michael Richards (dressed up in klansman robes), the list goes on.

We go back to Leonardo di Costigan, who is now working at Daniel Day Plainview's liquor store. First a Lindsay Lohan comes in to buy alcohol. She drinks from a bottle of Vodka as she insists "I've stopped drinking, I swear". A scrawny, nerdy kid with an obvious fake ID shows up to buy booze. His ID shows that his name is McHumpin. A Jonah Hill lookalike steps into the Liquor store and says "Are you *beep*ing this up, you *beep* *beep* *beep*". The audience will remember that Jonah Hill cursed a lot in Superbad and recognize the constant beeping as humor. So a cop comes in and it's a Seth Rogan lookalike. He is followed by a Katherine Heigl lookalike who tells him, "hey officer, you got me....Knocked Up". An Ellen Page lookalike enters, wearing a t-shirt that says "My name is Mayo" and says "My eggo is preggo, too. Honest to blog. This is one doodle that can't be undid". And everybody tells her to shut up. The Seth Rogan points out that Mayo talks like her dialogue was written by a stripper blogger named after the Spanish word for the devil. This is another one of those clever, obscure jokes. So after that, we cut to Mayo on the imdb ("I'm sooo imdb'ing that ref") showing that the screenwriter's name is Diablo Cody. The narrator will then inform us that "diablo" is Spanish for "devil". Hopefully by then, your fans will have finally processed the joke.

The big climax. We are in Plainview's mansion. He has passed out in the bowling alley in his own house. He is awaken by somebody screaming "over the line, Plainview". He looks up and sees a Jeff Bridges lookalike, a John Goodman lookalike and a John Turturro looklike". The John Goodman characters says "you're drinking on Shomer Shabbas?" The John Turturro lookalike says "don't ever mess with the Jesus". Leonardo di Costigan shows up and says "we have enough on you to lock you up forever, Plainview". Plainview says, "Oh yeah?" And out comes a George Clooney lookalike. He tells Leonardo di Costigan "my name is Michael Clayton. I am his inhouse fixer. And you have no evidence of Plainview's illegal oil deals with Syriana. So Good night and good luck". Then Det. Rat Damon shows up pointing his gun at Costigan and says "I'm really good at math". He's followed by Gayhaircut Chigger, now with an afro, tossing a coin in the air, saying "call it".

The ceiling caves in crushing Daniel Day Plainview, Michael Clayton, Gayhaircut Chigger and Rat Damon. The John Goodman clone screams out "this is what happens when you have fun with a stranger in the alps", although the line of dialogue is clearly dubbed over what he is really saying. We see that the ceiling caved in because the attic was filled with rats. One of the rats turns to the camera and says "Anyone can cook, bee-yotch!!!!"

As Leonardo di Costigan leaves the mansion, he is run over by a bus being driven by Amy Winehouse.

This is followed by twenty minutes of ending credits.


It's all yours, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Your next masterpiece. Free of charge.

You're welcome.

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